This post has been brewing for a while but I’ve been putting it off. I pretty well don’t have the energy and focus to craft something to perfectly articulate where I’m at - there are so many layers. Basically though
I’m at my lowest point in not being able to interact with my faith anymore. I’m more in a state of not believing than believing now - and it’s pretty awful. Without sounding too extreme, I feel this post here is something of a last call, for help really. I stand at church numb, I don’t sing most of the words - I cant. I don’t pray anymore … I virtually can’t believe anymore. It’s not something I want.
I’ve posted here before and the core of my thoughts remains the same.
If we follow the standard scientific consensus that humans evolved over a 4 billion + year process, it follows that religion itself evolved also. Therefore the phenomenon of religious belief evolved as a human experience. The available evidence very much seems to line up with this. It is not objective truths but subjective observations. The reality of what actually “is” is not something religion addresses and the competing voices of one religion saying this and another that, to my mind cancel out any claim to ultimate truth. Instead this to me shows the fragile, human and ultimately unreliable nature of religion. To use analogous language - the end of the rainbow is never there - it’s just a pretty rainbow. And the rainbow is caused by light refractions, it’s not magical.
The video I’ve found that best articulates basically everything I’m struggling with is included below. Warning - it’s heavy duty stuff (I’d recommend not to watch it if you’re not feeling strong in your faith and don’t want to deal with confronting questions)
It’s by a guy called Richard Carrier - testing religious claims.
I would be immensely grateful to anyone that can help me out this ditch I’ve fallen in - how can belief be anything more than subjective?? Keep in mind I’ve been reading a bit of Dennis O Lamourex which so far has only confirmed my struggles (at least he is intellectually honest, I respect that) and also have looked into the actual mechanics of human belief itself as a phenomenon through a book called “The Believing Brain” by Michael Shermer.
Ultimately I fear I know the answers already and they’re not what I want to hear. All this said, I still strongly believe there is ‘something out there’ - even indeed God himself. It is this I want to know - the actual substance of whatever outside influence of the divine is impacting on humans and to understand how this force, this God, this reality actually works. It’s my heart’s desire to know and interact with the truth. To borrow from Acts 17:27, I feel I am honestly reaching out … where this is leading me so far however is to basically put aside standard religion and pursue the idea of something much broader, much more universal. It’s also leading me to the opening of rabbit holes around the concept of other intelligences (i.e. what we typically call aliens) and I’m a little hesitant to go too deep into those rabbit holes (and from what I have already - all we can really know it’s definitely something is there but we don’t know what or how that works).
I just want to say to all - I keep a deep respect for the whole idea of faith. Faith still shows the true colour of my heart … but right now I don’t believe in my true colours, if that makes sense. I keep a deep affinity for those who believe and struggle with belief. Any and all efforts to engage will be genuinely appreciated. I’m in a fragile place though and I’m a deep thinker so just know that too.
I’ll leave it there. Thank you for reading.