I’ve been having a crisis of faith and it’s been a painful process. I grew up in a Christian household and I remember asking my mom at a very young age if God is real. She told me yes and I went on believing God is real because my mom told me that God does exist.
I’m passionate about both filmmaking and paleontology and right now I’m in college doing a double major in both. I remember I got into horror movies at around the end of my childhood and I remember my parents and I would ruthlessly argue about it. They would go out of their way to make me feel bad about it and they went out of their way to try to change my identity over that. I had a picture of a zombie as my background photo on my phone when I was a freshman in high school and I remember my mom complaining about it in despair saying, “This is an obsession!” I drifted away from Christianity because of that from late elementary school all the way until the year after I graduated high school. I know horror films can be a divisive topic within Christianity, but I never saw anything wrong with watching horror films as a Christian. The Bible has some pretty violent stuff in it and it’s not like passion of the Christ is a pretty violent movie, too. It says somewhere in Romans that if you believe what you’re doing is wrong, then you shouldn’t do it. But if you don’t believe what you’re doing is wrong then you’re not doing anything wrong. I still believed in God, but I wouldn’t call myself a Christian.
The only reason why I returned to being a Christian was in Januar 2014 when my first love (Carly) committed suicide back in October 2013. That brought a lot of extreme emotional pain and Christianity was the thing that helped me get through it. It brought me comfort thinking I would see her again in Heaven. I was suicidal myself because she committed suicide. Her suicide her not because she was my ex, but because I was the only one who she ever told about her deepest darkest secret about her suicidal thoughts.
Over-time, some dominoes fell. Being treated like a heretic over me understanding that evolution is a scientific fact by young earth creationists was one, the next one was an even bigger one and that was when I did an online debate about young earth creationism versus theistic evolutionist. Somebody asked why both me and my opponent believe in Christianity. I said it’s because the Greek word pistis (the word for faith in the Bible) means belief because of evidence. The moderator, Dapper Dino, called me out on that because he said he went to college for language and history. That was a bigger domino that fell than being treated poorly by YEC’s.
The next domino that fell was with my recent girlfriend, Natasha. She grew up in a strict Christian household where if you’re gay, transgender, etc they will shun you and never speak to you ever again. She decided that she’s trans and I was angry cause I felt like I wasted my time. A week after we broke up, she already moved on and gave her new partner my phone number just to harass me. That was a domino that fell cause it made me think that not just Mormonism and Jehovah’s Witnesses are cults, but Christianity is a cult.
The final big domino that fell happened earlier this year. I visited Carly at her grave and I was expressing to her how upset I was that my life didn’t turn out how I wanted it to. I said in frustration that I hope I’m actually speaking to you and that I’m not just standing here talking to myself like an idiot. I was bold enough to try to find my answer and I found a website where you can ask experts on anything and I asked an expert if you can prove you are speaking to somebody at their grave. Their answer was no you can’t prove it. That made me feel like out of the nine years I’ve been going to her grave to speak to her and to pour my heart out, I was only talking to myself. That made me feel like such an idiot and that I wasted all that time. The expert was Brenda in mental health from JustAnswers.com.
I felt that there’s only one way to prove if I was speaking to Carly or not at her grave. Is Christianity actually true or not? I had some of my Christian apologist friends try to help me out with my crisis of faith so all of us video chatted. I told them everything and one of them said that you can’t prove god exists and that I need to just be honest with myself. Am I still a Christian or not? I told them that I have that fear of hell and I have that fear of never seeing Carly ever again in Heaven if Christianity is true. Or seeing any of my dead loved ones again in Heaven. I mentioned that people like Ken Ham love to make Christianity out to be that if Genesis is not literal, that Christianity is not true. But the Bible clearly states that if the resurrection didn’t happen then Christianity is false. I asked them to give me any evidence outside of the Bible if Christianity is true. They said, “Well I know it’s a circular argument to use the Bible to prove the Bible but it says the resurrection is true in the Bible.” That didn’t help me at all and made me doubt Christianity even more. It blew my mind that they knew they were using a logical fallacy to prove their point, but they were going to use it anyway. That didn’t help with my crisis of faith.
Afterwards I was video chatting a friend of mine just to talk and socialize and he pointed out to me that I never talk about God anymore and that made me realize I never willingly go to church anymore, I never pray anymore. It’s been very painful for me to lose my faith in God and to be honest with you it’s all because of Carly and all of my other dead loved ones. It’s really painful to lose somebody who you love from suicide.
Yesterday I came out to some of my Christian friends about me questioning my faith and the first response I got ironically enough her name is Faith she was trying to tell me how science can’t explain everything and science can’t explain the origin of the planet. I tried correcting her by telling her that I’ve taken three geology courses in a row and we covered the nebular theory which is evidence for how the earth was created. Immediately she just shrugged it off and said she disagrees with me. That’s straight up denialism.
The next response I got was from my friend Charlie who said that energy is evidence of god because humans are made of energy and energy is eternal. When I took GEO 101 in college, the first thing we covered was the definitions of matter, energy, and mass. I corrected him saying that no we actually are made of matter and not energy. Energy is matter doing work and energy is not eternal. Even if what he said about energy was correct, how would that prove God? No answer.
The next response I got was from my really good friend Nicolas and he was shocked that he just wanted to talk to me about it. He was not trying to change my mind, but was just wanting to know what happened. I told my YouTube subscribers that I have an atheist now and they were shot and they were trying to change my mind. Nicholas recommended that I try talking about my crisis of faith here.
I’ve scared to tell my family because I really don’t think they will disown me for being an atheist now, but I just know that they will cry about it. I try to be a good person and I hate to be the reason for somebody to cry. I know it’s not my responsibility for how other people respond or react to things, but I don’t like the thought of being responsible for making somebody else cry.
I’m sorry this post ended up being long, but I just had a lot I need to get off my chest. I feel like now I wasted all that time being a Christian when I could’ve been doing other things. I am open to being a Christian again if there is evidence for it.