I had heard #4 Catholics as “Nun”
As you’ve heard no doubt heard, Michael Curry, the presiding bishop of the Episcopal church, preached at the recent royal wedding. And what a great sermon it was! (Look it up if you missed it.) And Saturday Night Live lost no time in spoofing it!
Billy Graham, Oral Roberts, and Jerry Falwell all died around the same time. They went to heaven and approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Your accommodations aren’t quite ready, guys.” said Peter to them. “But meanwhile, I’ve arranged things with the devil for you to spend a few week in hell.” And off they went to hell. But after only a day, the devil came fuming to Peter.
“Get them out of hell! Take them back! I can’t stand it anymore!” he fumed.
“Why?” asked Peter.
The devil replied, “Well, Billy Graham has everybody saved. Oral Roberts has everybody healed. And Jerry Falwell has raised enough money to get the place air-conditioned!”
That was hilarious!
Thank you! I’m not done yet.
Teenage boy asks his father for a car .
Father replies " you must get baptised , read your Bible everyday ,and cut your long hair " …
A few months go by and the boy asks again .
Father asks if he completed the tasks .
The boy replies " I read the whole Bible , and I got baptised " …
Father asks " how about your long hair ? “
The boy replies " Jesus had long hair " smiling , thinking he had stumped his father …
Father replies " Jesus also walked everywhere he went !!”
An old preacher found himself living in a flood plain durring flood season …
As the waters around his house began to rise up to his porch , a neighbor with a 4x4 pickup offered to help the preacher move his belongings and himself to higher ground …
The preacher replied " no need , the good Lord will save me !" …the truck drove on …
The waters continue to rise , the preacher is forced to a second story window …
A fire rescue moror boat pulls up and encourages the preacher to get aboard …
The preacher replies " thank you , but the Lord will save me " …the boat moves on .
The waters rise , the preacher is forced onto his roof clinging to the chimney .
A lifeline rescue helicopter flies to hover just over the chimney and sends down a rope and harness …
The old preacher bats it away screaming " no need , God will save me" …
And as he does this , the house tips on it’s foundation and rolls over , sadly killing the poor old preacher …
Upon reaching heaven the old preacher asks Jesus " why didn’t you save me ???" …
Jesus replies " I sent you a truck , a boat ,and a helicopter , What more did you want !!? "
This is funny. Thought about posting for the discussion on free will at about 3:00.
( by the way, enjoyed the real sermon that Beaglelady commented on above, as well as the satire from SNL )
Q: What verse in the Bible mentions a Honda?
A: “They were all in one accord”
Who were the shortest people in the Bible?
–Knee-high-Miah and Bildad the Shoe height.
What time of day was Adam created? (to throw a wrench in our discussions)!
–A little before Eve.
What’s the favorite hymn of pilots?
“Ill Fly Away”
What’s the favorite hymn of dentists?
“Crown Him with many Crowns”
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Still a favorite of mine:
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday,
he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me…”
Genesis 3:10 reads, “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.”
Personally, I credit Peter with the first sermon joke on the day of Pentecost. When people questioned if they were drunk Peter’s response was “It is too early in the day!”
Why are grand pianos unsuitable for use in churches?
They are not upright.
An alternate answer to how many episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb:
Change that bulb!–my grandmother donated that bulb to the church.
The piano joke was one I got from my dad. He was a chemistry teacher, and his favorite science cartoon (I don’t think I have seen any science jokes yet) showed a teacher holding a broken test tube, his face and shirt blackened, saying, “The class will note that a black precipitate formed.”
Thanks for that. We definitely need some science jokes. Besides Far Side, the only one I recall is from 1994 physics in college–someone gave a physics professor a ticket for driving through a red light. The prof thought he’d put one over on the police officer by using obfuscatory physics language to say that the Doppler shift had made it look yellow. The police officer knew his own physics stuff, though, and gave him a huge ticket for driving 100,000 miles/second (or something like that–I’m too rusty to remember the exact number. I’m sure that Dr Haarsma would know that one.
Chloroform!? This doesn’t smell like – !
Here is an xkcd cartoon I have on my classroom wall … which captures the ‘physics-envy’ that tends to go on in different fields. It also captures the reductionistic thought patterns dubbed “nothing buttery” (by Polkinghorne I believe?)
My husband’s got the same one on his wall… he teaches both math and physics.
Thanks. What is it about Calvin and Hobbes and The Far Side that makes them so good at this type of wise humor? Maybe the philosophers’ names in C&H are a clue.