Welcome!
I am so sorry for the difficulty. I will have to ask God, some day, why there is so much suffering.
I really found George Macdonald helpful. He would say you have no reason to fear. It’s a mistake of people to accidentally put a devil’s face on God, who would punish someone for earnest questions (not you).
In fact, he wrote that God blesses those who, through honest questioning, come to the atheist’s conclusion. I do believe that that is more honorable than many who, in the words of Lewis (who greatly admired MacDonald), wrote,
“The dangers of believing in a God whom we cannot but regard as evil, and then, in mere terrified flattery calling Him ‘good’ and worshiping Him, is still greater.”
Randal Rauser (@seamitchell , thanks for the reminder) wrote
“If you want a simple and effective way to identify a Christian apologist worth listening to, ask them to share their thoughts on the problem of evil. If they keep their discussion of the problem in the abstract and if they suggest that it is a problem easily solved, you should keep looking. But if they instead take the time to describe the agonizing depth and breadth of the problem, and if they recognize that the problem is such that some people reasonably find their way to non-belief, then that is likely an apologist worth heeding in other matters.”
Rauser: Coming to Terms With the Problem of Evil - Faith & Science Conversation - The BioLogos Forum
I think that the child who cries, or who spurns a vision of God that can be nothing other than a devil, is closer to God than the others.
Thank you for helping me to think.