A rare condition, I’m aware. But I still accept the existence of God on an intellectual level. I have been studying theology for over Twenty years. And throughout that time, the only thing I could never completely reconcile with the God of the Bible and C.S Lewis’ modern omnibenevolent god is the problem of suffering in infants and young children. I accept adult suffering, at a time when actually knowing the difference between good and evil exists. I accept reaping what one sows. I accept all the horrible choices one can make to ruin the lives of others. Even that point was very hard to reach. And incredibly taxing on the mind. But I did it.
I cannot, however accept cancer in babies. Birth defects. Infant suffering. And over the years, and through personal and impersonal experience over these last Ten years especially, I have developed a growing resentment toward God. Even a hatred, at my worst times. I find myself delving into very dark places of thought. Actually hoping Jesus’ suffering was bad enough to make up for what I see in the world. Thinking it is good and fitting that He felt such pain and misery before the end. Actually hoping God’s plan fails so He can spend eternity alone and have His Heaven all to Himself. I call Him Monster now. I tell Him I no longer love Him. And I don’t. I no longer pray. I now believe it is a waste of time.
But this is not sustainable. It is painful. It is even dangerous for my existence. Nihilism was always the only alternative to faith in God for my mind. I can reason nothing else. And while, as I said, I still believe on an intellectual level that He exists, I am unable to pretend I don’t feel the way I do anymore. I tried just ignoring it for a long while. Hand waving it away. I can’t anymore.
Job was especially eye-opening for me. I was unable to come to any of the conclusions other believers seem to when they read that book. I have always been horrified by Job. Two cosmic monsters playing a game of chess with a man’s life. Behaving as if his very children were replaceable. Tormenting the man for a mere bet! …Monster.
The fact that God kills more than He has ever helped, that He takes no pains in ordering the deaths of whomever He wishes. As if they are so inconsequential. Especially children. That He can watch all the horrors unfold upon innocent children all day long, every day, and do nothing… Monster.
His exploits in the Bible read like His mind is barely above the average savage of the day…Monster.
The fact He literally states we are not to complain because we are just clay and He will mould us as He pleases… Sometimes with no arms or legs! Trapping the innocent soul of a new-born in a broken, flesh cocoon. Original sin is not a satisfactory excuse for this. An example would be when I read about the Thalidomide baby scandal… I howled. I actually howled and collapsed at the smiling face I saw looking back at me in the images, a face attached to a body with no arms or legs. Having no idea it is not normal, having no idea what is in store for them. The pain. The misery. Just a happy, beautiful little baby boy, big smiles, thinking everything is just swell! That permanently took a part of me away. I know that case was because of man’s sin. But God could have prevented that in the womb, at no cost to Himself, and no one would have been the wiser as to His involvement. He could have kept His precious secret. And my love. MONSTER!
NOTHING is spared mankind. There is no mercy afforded us in this life.
I used to always give Jesus the benefit of the doubt. But I feel even He is a jerk. Incredibly dismissive and unrelatable. Like His father. How can I love someone I cannot understand. When I look upon their deeds and cannot fathom why they make the choices they do. Why they seem so perfectly unmoved by the pain and suffering here as to do nothing. Ever. No matter what.
God’s mind is not like ours… Yes. I believe this. And I am unable to love Him because He is so very alien and monstrous to me.
I can only rely on my understanding. And I am unable to understand God’s ways or rationale. Perhaps this will help me on judgement day. I am not turning from Him in order to sin. To be free to do as I please. No, this is purely emotional.
I realize this is incredibly blasphemous and difficult to read. I hate that I feel this way. I really do! I hope you can believe me. And if anyone can help me, in any way. I am open to that. That is why I have posted here. I cannot keep it to myself any longer. I need help. I need to try. I truly am scared for my soul. And my mind… Unfortunately my therapist is completely out of his depth with this one…