I fell ill with covid in april 2022 , it was an unpleasant experience for many reasons, obviously the health aspect, and then the reality of losing many friends and family in the past two years , but now for the reason for my post , for the first time ever im struggling with depression , i cant get out of the sad place i now find myself , i question mortality / the afterlife … for the first time ever im a sceptic … never before have i lost faith … and yet when i walk outside in the garden i see God’s beauty in everything … am i alone … or have others experienced this …
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I think we all go through seasons like this. I’m sad for what you are going through, and I hope you have people near you, who you can share your suffering with. And to do so without feeling patronized or ridiculed.
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You are normal, and in good company. The number of new depression sufferers is significant, even Christians.
I think, particularly among Christians, we have found many of our assumptions and expectations completely overturned. There is so much upheaval right now, that many of the things we have relied on for stability in our lives seem useless. That doesn’t mean that they ARE useless, but the seeming is very powerful.
It is a good thing to find a counselor, who can help you work through these things. There is variety among approaches to counseling. So, if you dislike or distrust a counselor, you should not stay with that one.
There is help and there is hope.
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Welcome, @mwade, to posting here at the forum. I too have had a fair amount of depression through it all. Some may well be a physical effect of infection, as even though my infection was mild, it took me a while to regain my energy, and I think that depression was a part of that recovery process. However, no doubt the stress and frustration of the last few years is a big part of it, also.
Someone once said that depression is “anger turned inwards,” and that can certainly apply to many of us who have not only grieved the loss of friends and family, but also the loss of respect for humanity that has accompanied our journey through Covid.
We need to give ourselves grace as well as permission to grieve and lament. Our pastor preached on the Beatitudes this week and it was touching. In the midst of our poverty,our grief, our pain, Jesus gives us blessing. He hears our lament and feels our pain, and offers us hope.
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Please talk to your doctor to see if you need help. No shame in it! If your minister thinks you have a spiritual problem you need a better church.
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God bless you in your honesty, in walking naked among us, as all so far here do.
I experience this constantly. I’m caretaker at the church I used to attend prior to becoming caretaker. I love it. All of it. All the people. But I cannot attend. I could but… My wife could not. I volunteer at another two churches. But I cannot ‘attend’. Although we did on Good Friday. It was ghastly. 
But we love the pastor. She’s first class. I was checking on a prayer group’s access today, that all was in order. They prevailed upon me to stay. So I did. And of course I prayed. And a traditional, devout guy made a point of saying how lovely it was. How can one not? I shared the paradox of doubt with God privately at the same time
So. I am in the very best of company @mwade. Yours.
So, get out and about, If you can. You must. Walk in the green. What do you like? I know that when one is depressed, nothing. I couldn’t read for six months. Walk, And talk. Here. We’ll protect you. What are you good at? Do it.
@jpm’s point that depression is a natural part of healing is the smartest thing I’ve heard for a long, long time. He’s a doctor with vast experience. @Kendel and @beaglelady and many others here are good people. I am not but I know them when I see them by their fruits.
Your old Brit brother Martin
PS and yeah, take the drugs! I’m a hypocrite mind. I tried and preferred the depression!
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Perhaps this is a good thing? Sometimes we need to take a step back. Sometimes we can become too comfortable in our faith. I will admit that for me there is still no doubts. I had my minor epiphany around the age of 15 but since then I have seen no reason to doubt.
We cannot know the exact form of life once we leave this one. Christ could only demonstrate by returning in human form, but that does not mean that is the way all will return.
The problem is that once someone has died we cannot see them, or know for certain where they are. And there is a space left behind which we are all too aware of.
I can offer platitudes but they are of little use. Nothing I say can change how you feel or lift the depression you have sunk into. Unfortunately the only way out is for you to do it.
Anger helps, sometimes. Shouting at God, beating your fists at the wind. Feeling a little foolish. You find comfort in creation? Then there is your answer, perhaps.
I wish I could help further.
Richard
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