I’ve been wrestling with Christianity since I was a small child, growing up in the South, where fundamentalism reigned. I was drawn to God, but the faith that was presented to me frightened me. I was terrified of going to hell. In my adult life for the past 25 years or so I been in and out of Christianity, doubts weighing on me about the veracity of the faith as well as my seeming inability to believe. Mostly the latter. It’s a heart problem; I’m drawn to the faith but something in me wants to rebel. I have been helped lately by finding better expressions of Christianity, mainly theology that magnifies God’s love rather than the image of Him I grew up with.
But I feel so hard-hearted often, sometimes it goes on for weeks. It’s a regular thing for me to throw up my hands and just walk away frustrated. I try to believe, I pray “Lord I believe, help my unbelief.” Sometimes I even feel hopeful that I am saved. But inevitably I am crushed with doubt due to the hardness of my heart and the ease in which I give in to sin.
I should also add that I have been diagnosed with severe depression and I know I have OCD, though I don’t want to use those as excuses. I am not a good person, not at all. I am resentful at life and people, and have been so since I was a child. That doesn’t go away, no matter how hard I try to change. And I do believe that if I was truly saved I would at least have new desires and a new outlook. At least that’s what I’ve always been told and read happens when one is saved. But I am utterly discouraged at my life and the condition of my heart.
I’ve been at this for decades, and I am wondering if I crossed the line to where repentance is no longer possible.