I’m an agnostic Christian (not a nominally Christian agnostic). My early years were spent in a fragmented family, and I went to worship or didn’t with adults who identified as Presbyterian, Methodist, and Episcopalian. During some stretches, I attended Catholic Mass weekly with grandparents. Both my late and current spouses are devout Catholics, and I converted to Catholicism formally for this reason.

But I haven’t attended Mass regularly since the pandemic, and after some of the most recent scandals of predatory behavior and coverup of such in the church.

Am also finding the Catholic catechism – and frequent references to it as essentially the final word – intellectually confining and not growth-enhancing. While confused about the wide variety of Catholic theologies and charisms, I generally favor what I think is a Franciscan orientation, and ecumenism vis-a-vis non-Catholic Christians and people of other or no faith traditions.

That “final word,” as the catechism is often represented by more conservative Catholics, doesn’t square with my particular life experience and its psychological, emotional, behavioral, and spiritual residue; it’s hard to continue sitting in the pew in my usual place of worship and feel honest. And, within the Catholic culture that I’m familiar with, it’s been difficult to even know how to “find my peeps” when it comes to theology and daily living – to feel like I belong. I’m guessing that many people feel this way but continue on a familiar path because it’s what we were taught and and superficially comforting even while feeling like a too-tight garment.

Theology has been a subject of deep interest since early teens, and I have read quite a bit, on and off. Yet, in recent years, the sum total of my own and loved ones’ life challenges have me questioning long-held beliefs and unexamined assumptions. As do many realities and new scientific knowledge in the wide world.

I believe this discomfort, though painful and often lonely, is a good thing. I hope – pray – it leads to deeper contemplation and more honest and loving living.

So I need some spiritual and theological fresh air, and engagement. Also seeking some motivation to find a new faith community or learn to “be” differently within current. It’s good to be here. I plan to do a lot of listening!

A few favorite faith-related authors include Thomas Merton, Henri Nouwen, C.S. Lewis, Richard Rohr, Kathleen Norris, Rachel Held Evans. I’m attracted to the relatively little I know of the theology of Franciscans, St. Irenaeus, John Duns Scotus.