Careful there, Phil. The next question could be: religious belief, real or cultural construct? Hopefully both are false dichotomies. But I think Hollywood and written stories too do build up some rather extreme expectations. Maybe what bothers some of us is the idea of enacting shows of extreme romantic love when what we really value is the companionship, affection and intimacy. There is potentially an issue regarding authenticity, being true to ourselves as well as each other.
We tend to scoff at Hallmark holidays at my house but we’re coming up on our 40th anniversary this year so maybe some relaxation and comfort with each other is to be expected. I do remember making a lot of effort in making another relationship after the brief marriage of my early twenties dissolved. I know what I really wanted was a strong bond around common values and interests with someone I really liked and respected. An object of romantic worship didn’t make the list of marry-able criteria, though compatible attraction and interest in intimacy did.
Social constructs seem to have something of a bad name around here … as in, it is taken as code lingo for: “Ahh yes - so it doesn’t really exist now, does it!” But I think they are some of the most real things around - given how important and central to our lives human relationships are to us. “Race” may be a “mere” social construct, but it is very, very real social construct indeed! Ask any minority group that has had to fight hard (and is still fighting) just to have the dignity of being considered fully human!
So, for both good and ill, social constructs are a very concrete part of our lives. Perhaps more than just a ‘part’.
I agree with that, but which ones become operational in our lives seems to vary. I sometimes wonder how much being a navy brat and changing schools and communities every couple years gives conventions less of a grip on me. If you grow up seeing the interchangeability it is probably harder to become immersed completely - both for better and for worse.
Good point. There will still be the many (myriad I should think) of constructs that we share in our wider national culture. The internet will have helped to broaden this out to international levels even - though it also helped people self-sort into subcultures not defined by geographical boundaries.
I think it would be impossible for even the most transient “military brat” to escape all of that - again, for better and for worse. I think our stereotypes and social constructs (in their positive sense) are the necessary tools that allow our brains to relax and get on with other ostensibly important things. If brains are resource-expensive, then it makes sense that we develop “premade” decision structures that give us the quick, inexpensive message “that’s dangerous” or “that’s bad” … run! - rather than pausing to analyze, think, and come up with probably more accurate, more non-prejudicial answers and nuances to everything. Meanwhile, you got eaten by the tiger while your less discriminating, less curious, less exploratory friend escaped with his life. His stereotype about “things that make sounds like that” served him well in that instance.
Social constructs, like stereotypes - allow us to be lazy thinkers. Or put more positively: allow us to channel our mental energies in other directions.
Unplanned by either of us, but as result of our education and career paths, I chased her around the country for five years, through three states (once back and forth between two) and finally catching up with her in a fourth where we were married nine months later. I knew of her through a classmate in the first state, our paths crossed (unknowingly) in the second state where we both were at the same concert, but I didn’t meet her for the first time until we were in the third state, and there twice. We saw each other again in the first state and then next in the fourth state. Along with some other particulars giving more depth to my incredibly unromantic, but memorable, statement, I said, “It must have been God, I wouldn’t have thought of it!” Do I believe in God’s providence? Just a little.
I just finished watching “Wives and Daughters” (book by Elizabeth Gaskell) which is a romance set in 19th century England - about when it was written too I suppose. The movie spends most of its attentions with high society (or those aspiring to rise to that), and their talk and attention - especially among the ladies anyway - is all about “economic arrangement” - which seems to be uppermost on the minds of the older gossips as portrayed. But one gets the idea that this is a small subset of “real life” which would consist of the working class just surviving and doing whatever they must. Does economic arrangement come into play even more when that is the case? Or is it such a given that it can be acclimated to as mere background? It isn’t that true romance wasn’t present at the higher society levels (portrayed as the exemplary exception to the the more craven ambitions of some parents.) It was there. And even at that level they all struggled because most wished to rise above wherever it was they were. The heroine stays blissfully above all that, though.
[I highly recommend it by the way - the acting was superb.]
Interesting… I’ve heard of the author before but I don’t think I’ve read anything of hers yet. Sounds a bit like Jane Austen.
Yeah, considering marriage was often one of the only avenues for social mobility for women, being barred from most employment opportunities. But I can see how romance could be less likely the higher up the social ladder you go, because there are fewer potential spouses to pick from (it’s lonely at the top!).
For a not-so-relevant contribution, here is a picture of two Dinocardium robustum. Cardiids are called cockles, but the name is derived from the resemblance of Cardium to a cardium.
@Mervin_Bitikofer and @Laura ,
“Wives and Daughters” is outstanding, and I recommend both the movie and the novel, as well as a good Wikipedia article (at least) on Elizabeth Gaskell as well. There are similarities between Gaskell’s novels and and Austen’s, but real differences, too. Gaskell was an early feminist, who was working nearly 50 years later than Austen, and it shows. While Austen was concerned with the economic challenges that the English system created for women and how women could navigate those while maintaining their virtue, Gaskell demonstrated that system as destructive to women (and even men), and proposed options for women, that largely freed them from the artificial limitations imposed on them by English society. Molly’s “loose” upbringing by her widowed father exposed her directly to the character of an honerable and educated man, whom she emulates as a young woman. At a time when Molly is expected to excell in the womanly arts, she is more interested in reading her father’s science journals, studying a wasp’s nest gifted by the nerdy man of her dreams, practicing horticulture in the dirty yard and eventually joining her husband, joyfully digging around Africa. All the while she has intellegence and manners enough to circulate with the ultra-rich without embarrasing herself. She is Gaskell’s model New Woman.
Gaskell’s interest in feminism extended into the economic systems of the time and included an interest in early socialism. You can see it at work in “Wives and Daughters” if you look for it. Sneaky woman, hiding critique of The System within an excellent love story.
Read on……
I think love is real. Not only the various chemical reactions associated with love but also the fact that someone can choose to be faithful and committed. Love is not a stand alone thing. It’s connected to many other emotions and choices. Not just one. I’m also a strong believer that love mist bear fruit. You can’t be a cheating abusive person towards someone while saying I love you.
As for things like arranged marriages I don’t think that undermines love at all. Many people in arranged marriages enter them knowing faithfulness is part of the deal and as time goes they fall in love. I think any two people attracted to one another physically with a sense of commitment could end up happily together. Regardless if it’s something that developed over time as friends and then into lovers by a chance encounter or through an arrangement.
I have a handful of friends in long term serious relationships that resulted in being in ongoing marriages at 5+ years currently. These are people in their mid 20s to mid 30s. Some of them are even in arranged marriages.
I think most people desire to be in a romantic relationship with others. Not just because society pushes it because it seems in every nation and culture including far off tribes , and from thousands of years ago to now want them. Same as they desire friendship.
You’ve further piqued my interest. I hadn’t heard of Gaskell before watching this - but now hearing your commentary, I may have to read her story as well. Do you think the BBC dramatization did justice to her writing - or at least as much justice as can be expected from the screen?
[I recall some striking (either humorous or profound or both) lines from some of the characters that I thought … I’ll bet those must have been inspired from her actual written dialogue.]
I saw the movie before I read the book, and I loved them both, although there are some minor differences. Unfortunately, she actually died before she finished the book and a friend finished it for her, and I think, finished it very well. The “concluding remarks” are provided in good spirit and speculate how the story should end. I find it a charming end in spite of Gaskell’s death.
If you are in a great hurry to read, you can find it in Project Gutenberg, here: The Project Gutenberg eBook of Wives and Daughters, by Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell.
“Cranford” is another of her novels that aired on PBS and was delightful as well. I still need to read the book.
Enjoy!
I haven’t read it (yet). So, so, so behind. Just picked up 5 more books at a new little Black-owned bookstore in Lansing. I need to read more books and fewer posts!!!
“North and South” is available at Project Gutenberg at this link: North and South by Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell - Free Ebook. There’s just so much great stuff to read and learn. Really NEED eternity.
Along with some other particulars giving more depth to my incredibly unromantic, but memorable, statement, I said, “It must have been God, I wouldn’t have thought of it!” 
Do I believe in God’s providence? Just a little.