I like that a lot. I’m going to share it with my daughters soon, too and see what they think. My none year old often expresses confusion between what I tell her about human history and what the Bible says about Adam and Eve. This may help clear it up further.
One change I would suggest is when you are talking about the first life on Earth. I would suggest that instead of using the word “mistake” to describe a mutation you use change or mutate. Sometimes it is a genetic mistake that causes mutation, but not always and I think it could come off to those who struggle with evolution as a negative connotation.