I really want to encourage you that God welcomes questions and doubts. It’s not the pushing of ourselves to faith that saves us.
Greg Boyd, after running through lots of doubt, with many houses of cards falling down, wrote a book that helped me a lot–“Benefit of the Doubt.” In it, he points out that God is the one who gave us our brains. He encourages us in our questioning! Some of the time, we will never get a full answer (at least, this side of Heaven).
I also like Austin Fischer’s comment,
“People don’t abandon faith because they have doubts. People abandon faith because they think they’re not allowed to have doubts.”
My parents showed me a side of God that I didn’t always see in my fundamentalist churches–that God loves questioning. I think they’re the reason I stayed in the faith, in spite of my doubts. I’m not nearly as good as they are, but I want to encourage you that “as a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him; for He knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”