I can understand your feelings of despair. At your age (although I was not even close to your level of intelligence and eloquence) I had the same feelings, because I was raised in a family of militant atheists who convinced me that no God could exist, and I completely believed that. And I felt a sense of horror and despair at this terrible truth about the world of reality. My solution was to plunge into the world with my own purpose of getting as much pleasure as possible. That didn’t last long. Then I discovered science, became a scientist and found a sense of purpose there. I felt I had a chance to do good, even though there was no God.
But I always felt deep down a sense of envy for those who could believe in a greater power, like Jesus Christ. I could not believe, my early training in skepticism about things like miracles and the supernatural would not allow it.
I am now a fervent Christian, a leader in my church, and a firm disciple of Christ. How did this happen? I began to apply the very same training in skepticism and questioning that I had been given in order to reject faith, to examine the truth behind atheism. And when I also began to apply what I was learning about science, and how science works, I found that atheism made much less sense as a philosophical basis for living a life than I had been told.
I found (and so will you) that atheism fails on so many levels. I found that science can answer most questions about how things work, but very few questions about why things happen. I noticed that there were even scientific questions that had no answers. Some of these you might have already heard about. Why is there something rather than nothing? What is the purpose of any human life? (You have already asked that one). How is it that we can even understand anything about the universe using human reason such as mathematics? Why be good? What is there about music and art that makes me feel the way I do? And even this one: Why are the physical constants like pi, or the planck constant, what they are? As a scientist, I expected answers. The ones I got (and still get from atheist friends and colleagues) always seem like hand waving or simply just so stories.
I began to reject atheism, and when I did so, I was open to something else, and that’s when I got the call from Jesus directly.
You don’t need to go through that, you have already rejected atheism. But you aren’t sure if you are right, partly because people like Dennett and Dawkins are so persuasive. Yes, they are. But they are wrong. Not dumb, not evil, just not correct. Christy has given you some wonderful resources, like N.T,Wright, and you are here at Biologos, which means you have done the right research. Read The Language of God (if you haven’t already) the book that started this organization.
Like me, you will get your sign once your mind is open and clear. That required for me to reject the propaganda of my youth. It might require you to clear yourself of mind altering influences. Christ is already calling you, but you cant hear Him yet. I know now that He was calling me for decades, and I did not know how to hear. Put yourself in a position to hear Him.
As was suggested, go to a Church, don’t listen to the sermon, but listen to the music. Don’t look for a lightning bolt, but look for a gracious smile. Don’t be afraid, and don’t worry. God believes in you, He will not let you flounder, don’t be impatient, just know that His grace is coming, and will find you.
I will put it simply. If I could be saved by the love of God, anyone can be. Stay well, get healthy, be patient, and whenever you feel lost, or needy, pray.
Also know that everyone here is praying for you. And I will tell you that that counts.