I’m 18 (19 in September), I come from a nominally Christian background but have never spent a day in church in my life.
I don’t really know how to start this, so I’ll just throw it out there: I’m a sufferer of severe depression. There’s many causes of it, probably the biggest being that my parents never sent me to school, but just behind that is the belief crisis that I’ve been actively going through for years. Like I said, I come from a nominally Christian background, my parents would talk about God and such from time to time but we never went to church or anything like that.
Through a lack of traditional religious education, I’ve tried for years to piece together my own belief system, since I believe very firmly that if there is truly no God, then this life is pointless, and one which I do not want to suffer through any further for no reason. I’ve always told myself that there’s one God, and all religions lead to him. I’ve never really called myself a Christian since I don’t really know enough about it to really call myself one. I don’t know the first thing about Jesus, for instance. I’ve always said that I believe in God, though not necessarily the Christian God.
I’m sorry if it seems like I’m rambling here, I’m on a pain reliever right now for tooth pain. Bare with me, please.
I’ve tried praying. I’ve tried begging God for a sign that he exists. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Everything I’ve ever seen that I felt might be from God I’ve always concluded that it was just a case of my seeing what I want to see.
I’ve never had too much of a problem with Science, with my belief from from the bible, Evolution wasn’t that big of a thing to accept. I never understood why any religious person would have a problem with the big bang, either. I’ve tried to hold onto my beliefs to tightly, but when I see religion declining so rapidly, when I see people so sure in their assertions that there is most definitely no God, I just lose my grip of it. I want so desperately to believe, but if I’m being 100% honest, I don’t. I don’t want life to be pointless, but I increasingly feel that it is. I feel like all the pain and strife in this life would be worth it if when we die, we get to live for eternity in paradise. But again, I can’t help but feel that paradise is just a figment of our imaginations.
Can any of you help me? Is there something I’m missing? If there is, then please let me know. Free me of this mental torment.